Two Years Later - Attachment Revisited

Before we started the adoption process, I knew almost nothing about attachment and adoption. During the two years we were waiting, I read about it – trying to prepare myself. But, it is hard to prepare for the unknown. We had no idea how old she would be (9 months when we met), if she would be in foster care or an orphanage (orphanage), the quality of care she received (great nutrition thanks to Love Without Boundaries nutrition program and extremely loving staff) or even if she would be a she. Still, I filled my brain with a basic working knowledge of attachment.

Then we received our referral and traveled to China and met Olivia. She was a chubby, sweet, laughing little thing that made great eye contact and loved our silly antics. But, we learned in those first few months that she was also not much of a snuggler, only wanted to be held on her terms and could care less about making eye contact when giving her a bottle. Other red, well let’s go with yellow, flags popped up from time to time, especially surrounding sleep or lack thereof.

Often times, I was very concerned. I consulted books, I read websites and I asked questions of trusted online friends. I avoided the big, general forums, in which the “attachment police” loomed large and loud. These are the well meaning folks who see nearly every behavior as an issue with attachment. The formula is: age at abandonments x months spent in orphanage – number of books parent has read on attachment = degree of problem. Or not. I remember once seeking out information on what healthy attachment looked like. At the time, the information was no where to be found. Thankfully, it is available now.

Through it all, I did, and still do, our own versions of attachment activities. Anything at all that involved physical connection, especially rolling around and playing. Always taking time when I got home from work to devote to Olivia. Telling Olivia where I was going and when I would return “Mommy is going to the bathroom, I will be back in a minute” (of course, I think I only went to the bathroom once alone in the first 15 or so months), “Mommy is going to work; I will see you this afternoon.”

My favorite attachment activities have been a game where we would lay side by side on the floor or bed, then I would roll toward her and put my cheek against hers and roll her to the other side of me and we would be face to face a couple inches apart. I would use the few seconds before I she would lift her cheek toward mine to look into her eyes, then do it all over again. Time after time. When she was much littler, she would be in our wingback chair; I would get behind it and peek over at her from the top and sides making sure to make good eye contact before she dissolved into a fit of giggles. I held her, a lot. Still do. We played a lot. Still do. I am on the floor with her a lot. I think anyone who goes into parenting thinking they will not be sitting on the floor, the grass, the toilet (while giving baths) or the concrete (sidewalk chalk) is either dreaming or not wanting to have fun with it. Parenting is messy and at times physically painful – especially with a kid who thinks I am a jungle gym and trampoline all rolled into one.

In all of this, we made mistakes. We had a big party a couple months after we got home. It was horrible and we should have never done it. There we too many people, Mommy and Daddy were too busy, Olivia was horribly overwhelmed and we paid for it over the next few months. She was more distant, more resistant to Daddy, not sleeping well. And we had to work to rebuild trust.

In the past two years we have used babysitters whenever necessary, but not excessively. We have used a home based day care since about 6 weeks home, not full time, but close. Mommy and Daddy went away for a night, all night, once. It was much worse on me than Olivia. I was gone for two nights on a business trip. We have traveled as a family. This week our regular day care provider is on vacation so we are shuffling her between willing (well mostly willing) volunteers. (An attachment police squad member just fainted.) While we were in China we used a stroller part of the time because it was so hot.

And, despite all of that, we have done good! We now have a two year old who loves her mommy and daddy more than anything. She gives hugs and kisses readily. She looks into our eyes and smiles. She likes to be held and snuggle while she is watching her favorite show before bed. She wants us to help her and mend her boo boos. She goes to trusted friends and family easily most days. And runs to us with screams of joy and hugs when we return. She wraps her arms around my leg and says “I wuv you.”

Maybe we had it easy, but I also know we worked really hard. It has not been until just the past few months that I felt like the work we put in has really shown results. Not to say there was not progress through the process, but only recently did I feel like I could really say Olivia is ours and we are hers in a truly connected, attached sense. I knew she was ours, but I do not think she was sure that we were hers. Now, she will frequently tell strangers in the store “dat’s my Mommy.” We are mommy, daddy and little girl, a family, forever.